My Fear of Running

I have a confession.  I am afraid.  I am afraid of my long run, I am afraid of my short run, I am just down right afraid.

When I was a little girl (well actually not so little, actually high school), I used to horseback ride.  I loved riding, but it scared me to death.  I don't think the horses liked me very much because I have been rolled on (in a show no less - don't worry I got off in a mad dash to the sand), thrown into the woods, and bucked off.  To say, I was a little scared every time I rode, might be an understatement.  But I loved it, so each time I said a little prayer, pushed away the butterflies in my stomach and mounted the horse.  As much as I wanted, the butterflies did not always go away, but I loved my time horseback riding.

I have never been scared to run before.  I have complained.  I have been excited.  I have been lazy.  But I don't ever remember being afraid.  But, my friends, tonight, the night before my ten miles (a milage I used to once be very familiar with) I am afraid.

As we know, my feet/shoes and I have not been getting along so well. At my last count, I believe I have owned 10 plus pairs of shoes in the past two months.  Ultimately, I have to realize that it is ME and not the shoes.  I am three days into my new "old" shoes.  The first day, Wednesday, was magnificent.  I flew (for me anyway). But it is not the first day that has been the problem...it is the next day and the next day. End result, my toe is hurting again.  The PT says it will be ok.  This morning when I asked him if I should 10 tomorrow.  He said "ABSOLUTELY."  But when I asked him why I am in pain.  He just said that sometimes that happens and it will be ok.  Doesn't he know I WANT an answer? Doesn't he know I NEED an answer?  Doesn't he KNOW I am afraid!!!!  Maybe....but what I have to learn is that there is no answer to this (unless my podiatrist tells me otherwise on Tuesday) and that I must just keep on truckin.

But ultimately I am afraid....

Afraid of running alone tomorrow...

Afraid of running in a massive amount of pain..

Afraid of the fact that this pain will never go away...

Afraid of whether I will make it 10 miles tomorrow...

Afraid of whether I will make it to Falmouth next week...

Afraid of whether I will make it to my marathon....

So now what?  What else? I am going to try!  That is all I can do. 

I am going to try and accept that I don't have all the answers.

I am going to try and make it on my run tomorrow.  

I am going to try and be gentle on myself if I can't.  

I am going to try and listen to my body and not push it to the brink.  

I am going to try to NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER.

I am going to try to make it to my starting lines...

And in the end, who knows?  Am I still afraid - yes! I am not going to lie. I am only human.  But all I can do is get up tomorrow, push down the butterflies, tie up my shoes, and TRY!  That is all I can do.  Wish me luck and good luck to all of you!