The past week I have been enjoying the fun filled experience of taking Clomid, a hormone that basically is supposed to help your body prepare for ovulation. When I asked my doctor about side effects, as I have heard different things from different people, I got everything from some people feel nothing to some people have an extreme form of PMS. You can experience hot flashes, bloating, mood swings, and cramps. I figured, given my experience on Provera, I would easily get lucky on the bloating. And without fail just hours after taking it, I began to feel as if I were a "Beached Whale."
Beached Whale means don't leave the couch and watch as much "How I Met Your Mother" as possible
I think you have to take all of this in stride. All the things that I have experienced thus far in the past few days could or could not be related to Clomid. On Wednesday and Thursday, I was so bloated after I ate and drank that I could hardly move. On Friday, I had an emotional breakdown over whether we should have chicken for dinner. On Saturday, I had a crappy run, albeit I did have wonderful company, so it was not all that bad. And on Sunday and Monday I had these intense lower back pains which I have decided means that something must be working in my body somewhere. But all these things could all just be me - I have been known to be indecisive about dinner and I was tired from work, bloating could have been in my mind or overeating, and back pain could be from a strain of sorts. I do not really know. Some of my friends tell me it is absolutely the Clomid; others say it might also be a little bit psychological. I will never know, but it is just how I feel and that is O.K. Aaron and I are working really hard on me just accepting my feelings. I cannot feel "bad" or guilty for feeling them, it just is and that is that.
All this could just be a result of too much challah...but there is no such thing as too much challah, seriously.
The weirdest part of all though has to be the running. I have never been a huge believer in this whole mind-body connection. But in the past few weeks, watching my running combined with the Clomid, I am starting to get the feeling that a) my body is telling me something and b) Clomid and running are not friends. I tried Googling Running & Clomid and got some information about how you can run while on Clomid but I was kind of looking for more answers about why my body has come to a screeching halt. Since about a month ago, my running has taken a significant plummet. I know I am actively trying to slow down, but it is like my body is three steps ahead of my mind. Things that used to be easy are now hard. I cannot push my legs to get up to my normal fast speed. I just do not have it in me - I do not know if I do not have the energy or the drive, but something is just off when I go to get on the elliptical or go out for a run. I can work up a glisten of a sweat but fun beat red faces that I like to sport are few and far between. I am watching my speed diminish and lets just a 13 mile run at a comfortable pace was nearly impossible.
Yesterday, my very wise friend Jen told me that it really was the medicine. It amazes me that a little pill can really make that much of a difference, but apparently it can. This made it a little easier on me. Additionally, I am truly starting to feel that my body is accepting what my mind cannot. My body knows I need to slow down and is doing it for me whether I like it or not. I am not going to lie. This is not easy. I am so used to getting out there, pushing hard, and doing my best. It is difficult to comprehend that my best for now is a new all time slow for me. Combined with the fact that I am getting added rest days and am sitting around a ton more, it is easy to begin to feel negative towards my body. And it is and would be all too easy. So I am not allowing it. I am reframing the situation and marveling at the fact that my body knows what it has to do to get healthy and be able to support a baby. This is something I want and my body is essentially helping it along so I can go kicking or screaming or I can join forces with my body and rock this whole pregnancy thing. No Big Deal.
Run, Walk, Crawl Finish.
Regardless of whether you are trying to get pregnant, dealing with injury, or just going through a phase in your running where you feel you "should" be faster, stronger, etc., I challenge you to be gentle with yourself, to trust that your body knows best, and to reframe. It is so so easy to be hard on yourself, to be mean to yourself. But this is never called for. So I will try today and the next day to continue to be gentle and work with, not against, my body.
How do you be gentle with yourself when you need to slow down?