Friday, February 24, 2012

GAME ON Amenorrhea, GAME ON!

Today is a new day.  Today is Friday. Yesterday, was what it was, but that is in the past.  All I know is what is in front of me at this moment and staying in this moment is safe and manageable.    Today is a new day and today I woke up with a new sense of hope, motivation, and determination.  Maybe it was the wonderful comments, tweets, e-mails, and texts I got yesterday (thank you so so much from the bottom of my heart you have no idea what it meant to me), the trip to the mikveh, a very special Facebook message I got this morning from a wonderful mother, a cohort of strong women that I have found battling the same issue, OR maybe it was watching the Hunger Games Trailer for the 10th time that really stuck with me (Dear Robin, why have we not bought tickets yet).

Whatever it is today, I am back to being the strong, "Challenge Queen" that I know that I am.  A very good friend reminded me this week of who I am.  She explained that when life throws my challenges I step up to them.  Something clicks for me and I just do it, full on.  What others may struggle with.  I grin my teeth and bear it.

A year or two ago, I was faced with such a situation.  And it kind of went like what happened yesterday.  When I was told that I needed to face my challenge and that it was for my own good, that yes I would have to make scarifies but ultimately I would be happier and healthier, I cried.  Even though I wanted to be happy and healthy, the idea of this challenge was preposterous to me.  I could not do it.  I would not do it.  So I cried, I felt sorry for myself,  I fought and then I talked to friends, found comfort in family, and faced my fears.  Again and again I looked challenges and stumbling blocks in the eye and told them to go to HELL!  While at my support group this week, I was questioned on how did I do this.  Being asked this question was so humbling.  It made me feel so good.  I realized how much I had been through and how much I have accomplished.

Don't mess with me, seriously. I take these Amazing Mazes down like no other

Today, I remember those challenges. I remember how when I was told to stop exercising that I did.  Something in me then clicked.  I knew what I wanted and needed to do and the stars aligned to allow me to do so.  I was very very lucky, but I was also very strong and took to my challenge like the "Challenge Queen" my friends have since dubbed me.

I have had my "woe is me time" and while I am not saying this will never come again (stay tuned Monday for my next appointment), but now I am ready to face life, the world, and whatever it has to throw out me.  I have a bracelet I use for challenges like this is has on it the words

Wisdom, Faith, Tranquility

For my earlier challenges, Aaron and I thought this was most appropriate.  If you take just the initials, can you read between the lines.  In the past, while trying to be peaceful, I was also taking my anger, using it to my advantage and making it determination.  Something along the lines of this situation.  While I am trying to relax, be hopeful, and accept, I am also determined.  Determined.   Determined - WTF Infertility. W.T.F!  I am not taking this lying down so be ready for a battle.  And I am going to win in one way or another.  Because we will have a child.  It may not be tomorrow or a year from now or two years from now.  It may be biologically ours or not but either way we will have a child that we will love and care for.

So it is Friday and I am calling GAME ON!  So come on Mr. Amenorrhea (with your very hard to spell, still have to Google name) try me.  You think that adding a few pounds and taking away my running is going to break me, well then you have underestimated me.  

It is Friday. It is a day to smile.  Leave me a message, tell me how you are determined, how you preserve or why you are smiling today.

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