Did you know that blogging is actually just a cheaper version of therapy? It is
These past few days I have been working on acceptance, and it has not been easy in the least. Whether it is running or "real life," I am just a little Type A, can you tell? I want to be able to control everything! If there is a problem, I want to be told how to fix it and then I can simply take the steps to do so. In law school, this was problematic. I wanted my professors to give me exact answers, they could not. They would try to tell me to see the forest instead of the trees, but I was just so darn fixated on those trees; they are important too, right? That is kind of what this journey has been like thus far. I want to control everything, I want answers, I want to know if I do X, Y, and Z, then everything will fall into place, but I cannot know that and that is really really hard.
But I still made it through Law School, so I can make it through this, right?
So let's back up. As I mentioned previously, my nutritionist and I spoke about decreasing the workouts and increasing food intake by about 200 calories. I thought that was going to be easy and so far the workout decrease has been fine. The food increase has been surprisingly hard. It should be easy, but, in all honesty, it has not been. I find myself fixated on the right foods to eat and reexamining my diet at every turn. Am I eating too many carbs? Do I need more dairy fats? Just more healthy fats? How much proteins?
Nutella or Peanut Butter, you tell me.
This is exhausting and while I hope to meet with my nutritionist this week, I know that part of all these thoughts are just symptoms masking my anxiety and that I have to deal with the real issues. On top of all of this is the underlying comments and opinions that people have said. Some say I am at a healthy weight and do not need to gain countered with those that think I do need to gain is troubling. And to put the cherry on the sundae, this week none of my clothes seem to be fitting right and are much more snug. I have been off Provera for three weeks and only a minor increase in food for one week, it just seems...weird. I feel uncomfortable and uncertain in my body.
O.k. enough of the brain dump now an actual update (feel free to skim). I went to a new Reproductive Endocrinologist yesterday and I loved her. She was so wonderful and spoke to us for a long time wanting to know everything about me and my history. I am really excited to work with her. But what exactly does she think and what is exactly the issue is, she is not sure yet. When I asked her if she thought my plan of decrease exercise increase food was a good one that would help, she said she was not sure since I had never tried that before. She sent us for an ultrasound and to meet her associate who we would work closely with (who btw thought my weight was fine and to give the cardio a rest).
Now, the way I understand it (and I really don't), there could be two issues I could be dealing with here that are causing me not to ovulate and not get my period (and don't quote me on this, I was never a big Bio fan). The first could be the issue of Hypothalamic Amenorrhea without going into too much detail; it is mainly an issue with the hypothalamus in my brain not producing any or enough of the hormones needed for ovulation. This is often treated through changing lifestyle factors - exercise and potentially weight gain. The other, and my knowledge is weak here, has to do with polycystic ovaries (but not the syndrome). The associate doing the ultrasound told us this information. It is all a bit fuzzy but my main take away was that about 25% of women have this and we could likely get me to ovulate with Clomid (a drug used to induce ovulation). But right now overall, no actual plan has been set. First on Tuesday, I am going to have have this all day test where they draw my blood every 10 minutes and that will tell them a ton more of how we should proceed. Apparently, what this really means is on Tuesday I will be stuck in a chair for 10 hours and am free to Tweet, read blogs, catch up on Daily Mile etc., so make sure to keep me company please!
So there you have it, all the technical stuff. But for me it all comes back to the fact that I have NO control here. I do not really have any complete answers and don't know if what I am doing will work. Put this on top of the random weight and bloating issues and it is unsettling, to say the least.
I really like control. Just ask Brenna who is cool enough to race in pink tights!
Today, I am working hard on acceptance. I am working to relinquish control. I am working on being happy. This is hard stuff. It has made me a bit sad. But writing can be therapy right? So, I am resolving to take on a challenge for the rest of the afternoon. I am going to fake it until I make it and I am going to try and give myself a few hours off to just enjoy myself and let the process be what it is. I trust my doctors and my team and I need to relax. So for now that is what I am going to try and do just that. No more weeping at this moment it is time to go enjoy the weekend and relinquish the control I want to have.
I like to let go by cuddling on the couch...how else?
How do you let get? Happy Weekend All!