Selfish to Selfless Running

I don't know about you, but I have always been a bit of a selfish runner.  I would like to tell you that I feel bad about this fact, but honestly I do not.  Running is something I do for me.  It is my time.  I get to go out and push the limits and see what my body can do or spend hours chatting away with friends as the miles tick by.  On race day, I am really no better.  It is kind of all about me.  My husband has always been an awesome, willing participant carrying my bags and cheering me on.  I really could not ask for more.

Aaron a.k.a our pit crew at Mile 11 of Marine Corps Marathon

But life happens and it does not always go your way and it is not always about you.  In fact, I have been told that once you become a mom it is actually never about you.  So I guess it is suiting that even before I am pregnant I am putting my future little one first and saying no to selfish running for right now - you know the kind of running where you go balls to the wall and attempt to run so hard that you want to throw up, pass out, and scream for joy all at the same time.

This face screams all of the above, right?

Instead, it is time for my running to be put on the back burner.  To run but slowly.  To run a mile and to walk a mile.  To just relax as people keep telling me.  But more importantly it is a time where I can help others fall in love with and excel in running.  Lately, Aaron has been a running superstar.  He ran his first 5K on January 1st and has run 6 other races since then.   I have been lucky enough to run with him in some of these races, cheer him on, and allow the day to be about him (although I am sure he will tell you that I still make it about me).

Go Team Aaron!

I am thoroughly enjoying the phone calls and text messages I get from my sister-in-law as she is about to embark on her first 5k this weekend.  I hope to also be able to run with her and support her in this endeavor. And just this past week I had to smile from ear to ear when running with my cousin and pushing it just a little bit harder so that she would keep up and have a great run which I knew she could do, and she did.

So you know what?  It is not all bad here on the other side of the fence.  Life has not come to an end. I am still running albeit not the running I am used to but I am O.K. with that. I am not saying that I do not cringe with jealousy and may get a little teary-eyed when others discuss their marathon plans and goals with me, but I know that I have bigger plans right now and so for now I will sit on the sidelines and cheer my heart and I would not have it any other way.

This season is not marathon season for me.  But it is for many and I will be thankful for the time I get to put others first, to support them, and to watch them thrive!

In the zone!

How do you support other runners?  Do you find it hard to be a selfless runner or a selfish runner?

The No Skinny Model Law

I honestly was not sure how I was going to transition from my last two posts to a different one or set a different tone.  I am still in mourning but felt ready to blog about something else.  Normally, I would easily write about running.  I am actually doing some running today so maybe tomorrow I can write about that but since I have not been doing much running I have not had much too say about it.  So there I am sitting in bed this morning wondering what to write about when Aaron wakes up, says two words, and all of a sudden I have a blog post.

So what did Aaron say?  Actually I had no idea at the time and had to get him to repeat it.  But when he did, he said Israel passed a law banning skinny models in advertisements or more specifically no models with a BMI under 18.5 to be included in advertisements on advertisements in Israel.  Additionally, any ads that use airbrushing, computer editing, or any other form of PhotoShop to create a slimmer image of the model must say so clearly in the ad.  As soon as I heard this, I knew I had found the inspiration for my next blog post.   The idea behind the law is too prevent individuals, especially young girls, from falling victim to the belief that skinnier is better.  Or maybe more eloquently put by this article the law "will send a message to teenagers that being thin is acceptable, but slimness has its limits, and there is such a thing as being too thin."

As someone who has too think a TON about her BMI these days and who has struggled with the desire to remain tiny while having to accept that I need to be a bit bigger right now, this law excites me to no end.  Is it  going to eradicate eating disorders?  No.  Will it go a long way in helping young women to begin to change their perspective and outlook on what is healthy?  Yes.

In struggling in my new "no running, eating more fats" body type, I have had my harder days.  For the most part, I just feel uncomfortable in my own skin.  I am not used to sitting around so much, to feeling so bloated, to being so much less hungry and then starving all at the same time.  But besides that I have also had what I would consider an irrational fears of what others might think of me - that those who do not know that I am trying to get pregnant will think I have lost control.  Instead of worrying about whether or not this drug will work or what is going on in the here and now, I am contemplating if others are thinking that I have gained weight, which is something I am not too proud of.

In the past weeks and most especially in the past week since being home, I have had to face this more head on as people compliment me on how I look after having not seen me in weeks or tell me I don't look any different as I stare at them in disbelief. Can't you see how much bigger I am I think?!  But they can't and they don't. They are not looking.  They think I am beautiful.  Thus I realize it is up to me to accept I am beautiful.  I used to be extremely scared of what my "ideal" body type was that it would gravitate towards a higher unwanted weight, but these days I am moving beyond that.  Realizing that my body may have different plans for me.  That a few pounds heavier might be better for me and this is not the end of the world. That those few pounds can give my body life and allow me to create it.  That the images I engrave into my head of what I "should be" are not so set in stone.

Thus instead of worrying about what others think and what my body type should be I will allow my body to find its own way and be satisfied with that.  I am not saying that this is an easy task, and goodness knows I have my bad days but I try and will keep trying.

I find hope in this article.  Hope that others will not have to struggle as much as I have.  That this will teach young women and men that being thin does not mean being happy and how important it is too be healthy mentally and physically and to honor your own body type.

What do you think of Israel's law?  Do you think it will make a difference? Can you accept what your body type is?

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Hi all! I feel as if it has been an eternity since I have blogged.  I guess it was just a very long week followed by too quick of a weekend like always.  So for this Monday morning let's play a rendition of  "Stephanie's Weekend - The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly"  because why not.  I promise I will try to keep it to only a few tidbits per category.    Will you please play along?

The Good - 
This weekend, we had a visitor.  No not Wubby (check the bad for that portion)

Jenny is just as cute as Wubby and pretty darn sweet.  I miss you already Jenny, come back soon please!

She drove 5 hours to come cheer me up and I am so glad she did we had a blast making these

Aaron apparently has a hatred for scones but he may or may not have eaten three of these wonderful scones from Smitten Kitchen.  We used dried blueberries YUM!

Eating this

Jenny and I decided you can NEVER, NEVER eat too much pizza, NEVER!

and shopping for things like this

Jenny demanded we stop at Trader Joes so she could stock up.  I was never a huge fan, I know I know.  But I take it back wandering the aisles with Jenny I officially am a Traders' fanatic.  

Should all this be going in the "bad" category? Never!!! Do not worry we also got some exercise in.  Jenny brought me my very own copy of a Jillian Michael's DVD.  As you all know, I am trying to find different forms of exercise as running cannot be the top of my list.  I have been seeing the buzz on Jillian for weeks on Twitter and I sort of laughed at it.  I am sorry Jillian, forgive me you are no joke.  The dvd Jenny got me was a really good workout for strength training and it fit all my needs - it was not too long about 40 minutes,  it did not get my heart rate up too high, but I worked hard and felt I was actually doing something and BOY did I feel it the next day.

I cannot wait to try out the other DVDs but not today, today it is going to be 68 degrees

We also did some running.  Yesterday, we ran Aaron's 5-miler race with him.  I was not sure I could complete it as Thursday I could not run more than a mile.  But I felt good and Aaron rocked it.  Two months ago, I do not think Aaron could have dreamed that he would be running 5 miles straight let alone with the heat (it was hot yesterday) and the hills!

Janine's husband (whose name is Aaron too!) got this great picture of the three of us.   Thanks Aaron! And thanks Jenny for running with us one week pre-marathon!!

He absolutely deserved this medal.  I am demanding that he do a race recap soon!

How bitchin', yes bitchin', is this medal?  Three medals combined to one big one!

Ok, one more very very very good.  Being upset means Aaron feels like he wants to make me happy and thus he gave me a 2 hr, yes 2 hr massage complete with my own favorite music selection (Bruce Springsteen, who else).  I am a pretty lucky girl..huh?

The Bad-


You may have noticed above, no Wubby this weekend!  I am so so bummed about this.  I cannot wait for him to get here.  Unfortunately, he will not be making an appearance until March 31 when the next transport comes from Indiana.  I am trying to convince Aaron that we should just go to Indiana to pick Wubby up.  I cannot grasp why Aaron feels this is a bad idea.

The Ugly
Before I present this,  I just want to mention how good an exercise this is (writing down the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly I mean).  I may or may not have been wallowing for the past day.  All "woe is me" like. Looking at this, I realize there is a lot more good than bad going on.  Yes for me the bad or the ugly seem really bad and really ugly, but perspective Steph, perspective.  So the ugly,  and this is the fun girl talk Secondary Amenorrhea stuff as usual - feel free to skip over.

The 12 yr old girl who blushed at telling her parents this fact is now saying public that yesterday she got her period.  Now, I know this can be a good thing because I was not getting my period at all and the fact that I responded to the drugs and got my period is actually great news. The big bummer though is that clearly I am not pregnant and that I got my period with the help of drugs not on my own (but again still a victory really).  Additionally,  the other problem is my period came too early which means there are some other hormone issues to work out.   Your period is supposed to come about 14 days post ovulation (all women are different though) anything under 10 days is too short even 10-11 may be troublesome for some.  I am in that 10-11 day range and the thinking is that likely I do not have enough progesterone - this hopefully will be an easy fix though through some pills.

So more on the ugly - I was pretty sad yesterday.  Totally bummed that I was not pregnant that it seemed EVERYONE around me is, that I have no control over this, that I am sitting around on my butt not running, gaining weight and for what?!?!  I am scared that I am going to have go through another round of hormones and as shallow as this may be I am scared of gaining even MORE weight.  The body image stuff is tough right now and sucks and while I have tons of great supports and places to vent (so don't worry about me), this is also a place for me to vent so excuse me for some venting here.  I am nervous about Clomid making me get larger just as it did last time.  I am nervous about how I will look and what people will think.  I am even more nervous that Clomid will not work again and that I will be on this endless cycle and people will get pregnant and have kids around me and I will still be sitting on my butt downing Clomid.

O.K. I promise that was the ugly, that was yesterday.  I find it very important during this process to celebrate the victories and grieve the losses.  Yesterday, I grieved.  I cried, I got mad, and I was sad.  Today is a new day, a new week, and the sun is shining, literally.  I am challenging myself to get back into the fight.  To learn from our mistakes and to trudge forward.  One way I am trying to help myself to do that is to look forward to something every day.  Something to take my mind off things.  Today, I am excited because it is supposed to be beautiful out and after work Aaron has agreed to do some power walking with me (well I will power walk and he will stroll with his long legs hehe). I am also excited to talk to the doctor about next steps and get right back on track.  I am debating whether maybe I might also spend the weekend visiting in New Jersey (opinions people? votes?).  As for the weight gain, the body image etc., everyone can kiss my ass!  This may not be the year of "Stephanie being Tiny."  I may gain more weight.  I may not love how I look.   People may talk, but screw them.  People may not talk and it will be in my head.  So I will work on being more positive to my body just like I promised, staying out of my head, and putting a smile on.

It is a new day and we are moving forward.  As my friend Beth says "One Day, One Way."

How was your weekend? Tell me the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.


*Disclaimer: I am in no way a medical professional. None of this should be construed as medical advice and are just my opinions and stories.

On "Feeling" Fat

So I guess this blog has taken quite a spin off lately from just running for fun, and I would love to talk to you all about how much fun running is and it really is - see yesterday's post - but unfortunately today you are just going to get me and how I am doing with this whole "I have amenorrhea so am on medications that make you crazy" thing.  My husband is probably screaming at the computer screen right now saying do not subject them to your craziness so you all have every right to stop reading here and to go on to a more perky upbeat blog for the day.  But I guess if you want the real deal, here it goes.

Last Wednesday, so almost a week ago, my doctor gave me a shot of HCG, a medicine meant to induce ovulation.  That is all well and good.  A little shot and that is it, right? Hmm...if only it was that easy.  Since then, I have had the joy of riding the emotional roller coaster of life including everything from crying over dropping my perfume bottle (this morning) to sulking in my bed because I could not figure out what to eat for dinner but was starving (yesterday night).  I have been extremely hungry and craving everything and anything (cue a ton of grilled cheese and two big bowls of ice-cream last night).

YUM!

 I am also extremely exhausted, moody, and crampy  (fun information right?).  O.K. so I am the first one to admit that some of this may just be in my mind and that it has nothing to do with the medication but just everything else that has been going on.  There is another part of me, however, that believes it is partly the medication and finds it extremely cruel that such a medicine imitates pregnancy symptoms while you are in a two week waiting period (the time between ovulation and having an HCG shot and the day you can test to see if you are pregnant or not - think of waiting to see if you passed the biggest test of your life and the teacher keeps delaying your grades now multiply that my 1000 and you have the 2 week waiting period).

Possibly my utmost favorite "feeling" (can you detect the sarcasm in my voice) is the "I feel fat" feeling coupled with a continued need to eat even when I am full.  This morning, for instance, I woke up feeling "fat" from all of the food from last night but extremely hungry at the same time.  I used to never wake up with the need to eat as soon as I woke, but these days I cannot wait!   It is not so fun to feel as if you are blowing up like a balloon but cannot stop yourself from stuffing your face.

Regardless of who you are or what medications you have taken, how many of you have uttered the words

I feel fat.

 The phrase is almost engrained into our society.  The phrase comes with a pack of emotional turmoil - anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, depression, lack of self-worth etc.  It is demeaning to ourselves and unnecessary.  Yet we utter these words so often.  The interesting thing though is "fat" is not a FEELING.  You cannot feel fat the same way you feel anger or happiness.  Using this phrase, I have found, only leads to trouble.  So this morning when I felt that ugly phrase sitting on my tongue, I challenged myself to reframe my thoughts.  To think about what I was really feeling - scared? tired? alone? angry? anxious?  Yes, all of these were possible.  And if I am honestly I also noticed that I felt uncomfortable in my body - a mix between fullness but massive hunger which is a situation I am not used to.  I tried to observe and describe my situation without emotion.  I  made myself think of things about my body that I loved, I took a moment to do some deep breathing, and then I marched out the door and let it go - well sorta, still working on this.

The point is this stuff is HARD.  I am on medication that is throwing me for a loop and dealing with changes that I don't want to have to deal with.  But it does not mean I have to be cruel to myself or forget to honor my emotions or mask it with "feelings of fat."  So today, I will try to sit with my emotions, notice how my body reacts, and look at my ultimate goal of having a baby.

In the meantime I will remember I am down but not out, Wubby to come on Saturday!

How do you honor your body and keep away from the "feeling fat" dilemma?

The Top Ten Reasons Why I Love Not Running (Fast)

This blog post was originally called Pokey Pilates.  It originally had a sad, cynical tone to it.  Kind of went something like, "poor me, I cannot run. Poor me, I have to do "chilled out" workouts.  But then I got tweets like this yesterday and I knew it was time to change my attitude and be thankful, hopeful, and excited.

Honestly if you do not read Jenny's blog, you are doing yourself a disservice.  She is pretty much the sweetest girl I know

So in the spirit of capes, tutus, and thinking positive, I am changing this whole post into 10 Reasons Why I Love Not Running (Fast)
Once upon a time, I loved workout classes and GASP  hated running.  For someone who has absolutely no rhythm whatsoever and is always a half step off, I sure my loved my step and cardio kickboxing.  My movie selection was complete with the Firm, a rockette (yes rockette; with my favorite dance friend Jenn) dance workout video (don't laugh it kicked my ass), and Billy Blanks Taebo.  Like running, these workouts were great while on vacation, hardly anything to carry but the video, just ask Aaron.  For running on vacation I only need to bring my two pairs of shoes (a back up of course), fuel belt, shorts, shirt, Garmin, iPod, shotbloks, sparkle shirt etc.  While doing workouts on vacation, I only needed the video and then the steps and 4 sets of weights that went with it.  O.K. maybe not so similar, I think the day I retired the Firm for running was the happiest day of Aaron's life - no more 4 sets of weights and steps to carry EVERYWHERE and I mean EVERYWHERE we went.

Unfortunately for Aaron, Operation Stephanie Low Key Workouts is under way.  On Monday, my doctor impressed upon me that it was totally ok for me to continue to run, do pilates, yoga, strength training, and walk.  Runner Steph would be off the table running with those words, but "I want a baby Steph" knew that my doctor was not telling me "it is fine for you to go to Hot Yoga and then do an hour of speed work."  Nope, instead she meant SLOOOOW miles, relaxing yoga, and nothing too strenuous.  She gave me general guidelines of absolutely no more than 10 miles in a week, 5 miles max at a time but generally like my nutritionist said only 30 minutes a day, 5X a week of working out.  Sure, I sort of want to jump off a ledge at this recommendation. Absolutely, I want to go kick out some hardcore hill workouts.  Yea, I am little scared of losing my body, my speed, and fitness.  But then I remember that 22.  I remember my bigger goal and I sit back down and tell running, for once, it will have to wait.  Instead, I am relaxing, rethinking my workouts and being positive.  So a list that is for me as much as it is for you on why this is a good thing:

It is a good thing that I can't run like a fast crazy lady right now because...


10)  It is going to snow tomorrow and be cold, which is not much fun when  running

Face masks do not make for great conversations while running

9)  Usually when it is snowing and cold, I have to hit the treadmill and I kind of hate treadmill running instead I will just make tomorrow a rest day and not worry that my training will be off

8)  My toes have not had 10 toenails in months, maybe years, so it will be nice to grow some of those back, why not

7)  With all the money I save on race entries, we can go to a tropical island (Dear Aaron, did you know I have planned a trip for us with Jenny and Beth and their husbands to a tropical island)

6)  I can still eat WHATEVER I want and do not have to run 18 miles to do so

Cookie within a cookie, never gets old!

5)  I can sleep in, workout, and still be early for work (although I currently woke up at 4 a.m. today, so yea)

4)  I can be the coolest cheerleader of them all on the sidelines

Come say hi at the next race, I think you will be able to spot me

3)  I can party hard on Friday and Saturday nights as there is no long runs in my future a.k.a go to bed at 10 instead of 9.

2)  Maybe every muscle in my body part will stop hurting for more than five minutes

1)  I don't have to buy any more Brooks sneakers for awhile as back up pairs (although I just bought three, I can't help myself, my shoes are a dying breed)

In the spirit of being a low key runner, I put on my running gear and headed out with my favorite running partner for the first "Stephanie is a chilled out relax runner run."  We did 3 miles.  I walked twice.  I did not break a sweat.  I absolutely did not break any speed records.  I did not get hot.  Instead, Robin and I shuffled along, we moved our bodies, we chatted.  I made it through.  I was a well behaved patient.  I had such a cramp  in my side, if you want to call it that (I want to hopefully call it pre-ovulation), that our pace was perfect.    I would like to tell you I am 100% o.k. with this run and it was all puppies and rainbows, and while I did actually enjoy it (because I love my socializing time), part of me wanted to sprint and go crazy and be like 3 miles, sure that is o.k. as long as it is 3 miles of speed.  But I didn't because life is so much more than 3 speedy miles.

Post run no sweaty faces here. I am so proud!

 I was even more well behaved that night when I celebrated my 3 miles by refueling with two helping of this..

Waffle cone, caramel swirl ice-cream

Aaron is very excited to be in this picture!

Yesterday morning I chose NOT to run two miles with Aaron, even though I would have loved to hit the pavement.    Instead, I tried a Pilates video from Netflix.   It was not so successful, but more on that later.  In the meantime, I spoke with the PT this morning.  He suggested two days of weights and three days of running 3-4-5.   That is a bit TOO much but it made realize I can still run,  I can still keep my base I just have to truly Run For Fun!

Tell me how you run for fun or even better tell me why you love not running fast (humor me people).  If you have any good pilates tips or workout videos that would be great too...

My New Favorite Number - 22 & My Foodie Penpal

Monday is an amazing day of the week.  Don't you all agree? Don't you all love Mondays?   Well, I am LOVING Monday today.  It has been pretty much the best Monday in a while, maybe even the best day I have had in weeks so I am going to smile from ear to ear and grin happy and soak it up.  Other days may have disappointments ahead but today I am hopeful, happy, and very very thankful.

So why is this Monday amazing....well there is this

Today is a VERY good day as Girl Scout cookies are involved...

and there is this...

What do you want to celebrate with post ultra-sound? I know what I want!

and this...

Running today! Doctor's orders!

And this

This shirt 

Will soon have a matching skirt like this girl's.  Janine offered to make me one agreed after I stalked her.  Janine maybe we should go in business together,  I will sell the shirts and you the skirts

BUT most of all there is this....

My excited face post ultrasound

So did you guess yet, why 22 is my new favorite number?  Welp, if you have not, I will try to contain my excitement as I tell you that is the size of my follicle! 22!!! YAYYYY.  This is BIG news because it means that I am really close to ovulating.  We need a follicle to be about 22 before they can trigger ovulation.  So this is great.  The doctor could trigger ovulation now but my uterine lining is 5.  They want 6.  The thought is that I will ovulate on my own but just in case we go back on Wednesday and if I have not ovulated they will give me a trigger shot of hcG!  I was so excited I almost cried.  The doctor was so proud of me and was like "Go Steph, way to grow that follicle! You did a good job."  And I was like yay for two eggs (the actual eggs you eat I mean) a day and lots of fat and sitting around.  Aaron told me "way to negative split."  It works in this context, sure. To say I am excited is a bit of an understatement lol.  I am riding the up side of the roller coaster right now.  Just hoping it keeps going up.

OK, in other news, foodie penpal day!   Have you heard of this?  The awesome Lindsay of the Lean Green Bean puts it on and it is just what it sounds like.  You sign up with Lindsay (all are welcome readers and bloggers) and you get a pen pal. You then send your pen pal gifts.  At the same time you are sending gifts, someone else is sending you gifts as well. Pretty sweet deal if you ask me.  It is not expensive, you are not supposed to spend more than $15, but people make good use of the money.  This month I received a wonderful package in the mail from Maggie.  It was perfect timing.  I was in a bad mood that day and needed a pick me up and Maggie gave me a great big smile.    I must really display my love for PB and my big protein and fat push because Maggie hit the nail on the head with peanut butter galore and I was ecstatic 

 I was so excited about these. Did not even knew they existed.  Perfect because I have had to give up a ton of my favorite granola bars, including the PB nature valley in favor of just protein snacks. I was so psyched for this.

Again something I never knew existed. Instant peanut butter! Really! I can't wait to try this in a smoothie because where else.

Besides this I also got some amazing other goodies, look at this stash

Chocolate, trail mix, a mug, fruit sticks, KIND bars.  IT was like Hanukah come early haha

Thank you so so much Maggie! And thank you Lindsay for organizing this great event. 

 That is it for me folks.   I have things to do, a follicle to grow, you know how it is... :)

Give me some good foods I can eat on my non-fiber days and tell me what was good about your Monday.

Redefining Health

Over the past few months, my meaning of health and fitness has come into question a great deal.  In my opinion, I was healthy.  I ran, I ate "right," and was a suitable weight.  I did not restrict my food, ate a sizable amount, and exercised to "optimal" fitness.  I ate a good combination of foods and gave my body what it needed.  To me, healthy meant balance- ice-cream when I wanted it, Chobani other times.  Fruits and veggies and proteins too came into play.  I just did not worry much about it.   I was happy & healthy, or so I thought...

 Vegas Half Marathon December 2011

Ever since that first doctor told me to sit on the couch and eat french fries, my definition of health has come into question.  The more I read and the more people I talk to, I realize that this doctor might have been getting at something.  Interpreted a different way he could have said (and probably did but I was not listening) you need to eat more fats, gain a bit more weight and body fat, and let your body rest more.   From that vantage point, it does not sound too bad, but what it could mean for me and for many other women struggling with Hypothalamic Amenorrhea (HA) is drastic changes to life as we know it.  Put simply it seems to mean...

Instead of running for hours on end, restrict your workouts to 30 minutes a day, 5 days max and that does not mean 30 minutes of speed work.  Instead do pilates, yoga, take a stroll in the park, go on a Slllloooowwww jog.  

Flying while running, no go. Take it down a notch..

You may be at a healthy weight, but what is another few pounds - Eat more and not just anything, include the F word, FAT (and proteins too)!  Don't forget more cholesterol.  Hormones need them to grow.  You can eat healthy fats & proteins- peanut butter, almonds, salmon, olive oil, avocado.  Also you might want to try some whole milk products - real ice-cream, fat-filled yogurts - you know the drill.  Don't be shy about eating a hamburger and french fries or some pizza.  It is good for you.

Yup, there is an Oreo in my Chocolate Chip cookie, because why the hell not!

Relax!!! Stop trying to DO, DO, DO.  Don't control everything.  Just relax and things will happen.

Who me, a control freak? No, I am just running for fun...

And maybe my personal favorite, 48 hours before ultra-sounds make sure you cut out anything you remotely used to think was healthy - nothing with fiber including fruits, veggies, whole grains, cereals, nuts, you name it. 

Poptart for snack because the only other non-Whole Grain thing we seem to own involve previously mentioned cookies and because Poptarts are good people, really. 

So reading this over, I know the above sounds a bit cynical but I think it also displays my feelings and mood and  I try to keep it pretty real here so  I decided to just leave it as is.

I have been struggling over the past few days to find my happy medium and to redefine health.  I am determined to take HA by storm and to beat this thing.  I am, at this point, prepared to sit on my butt and eat French Fries because french fries rock people and you know it.  Right now, that is what I am doing until my next ultrasound on Monday.  No working out. At All.

However, my nutritionist has told me that it is ok for me to do the light 30 minute workouts and that if I am not hungry, that I can eat less and not gain weight as that is for women who are underweight while I am not.  I have been doing a lot of researching, talking with others, and thinking and I am just not sure.  I always want to do the right thing and make the right decision.  I always want control.  People have given me their opinions and have mentioned that even at a healthy weight and BMI, that I may and they too have needed to gain.  It just seems so...up in the air.  Everyone is pretty much in favor of the light workouts but I am still not 100%.  I know I need to not over think this and RELAX, but alas I find myself ruminating about what the correct path is for me only to once again realize there is not one correct path.

In the meantime,  I am contemplating the idea of these 30 minute workouts.  Gone are the days of speed workouts and hills, of training plans, and long runs.  This is very hard for me and it is very sad.  But it is only temporary and I - Will - Be - Back!  Instead, I spent sometime today on Netflix finding some good workout videos to try...

I am setting the mood

*Source

I am also thinking about some walking or running at a slow pace with Aaron.  I am not going to make a schedule.  I am just going to go day by day and do what my body wants.  This is scary for me.  I like my schedule, I like having a plan and checking it off, but I have got to work on this re-liquishing control thing anyway, why not start here.  I am also going to try and trust my body on this whole food thing.  Intuitive eating has never been something I am very good at.  I have a plan, I stick to it.  I add calories for running and that is that.  We do not truly know if I really need to gain or not, but more fats and proteins will not hurt.  So I am going to stick on my normal plan and not shy away from that carton of ice-cream or extra cookie.  I am going to try and eat intuitively and honor my hunger.  Again, this is scary for me.  But it is well worth it.

Or I will just keep eating at Robin's house and she will take care of this for me

Is all of this what many would consider healthy?  Not in the world I am used to.  This is very much counter to all I know, but in some ways maybe it is not so different.   This is just what is healthy for me right now and that is O.K.  So I will try to stay true to myself, honor my body, and remember my goals as we march forward.

Aaron is running his 4th race ever tomorrow. I am determined to be the best cheerleader possible!

Have you ever had to redefine your meaning of health or slow down your training?  How did you do it?

GAME ON Amenorrhea, GAME ON!

Today is a new day.  Today is Friday. Yesterday, was what it was, but that is in the past.  All I know is what is in front of me at this moment and staying in this moment is safe and manageable.    Today is a new day and today I woke up with a new sense of hope, motivation, and determination.  Maybe it was the wonderful comments, tweets, e-mails, and texts I got yesterday (thank you so so much from the bottom of my heart you have no idea what it meant to me), the trip to the mikveh, a very special Facebook message I got this morning from a wonderful mother, a cohort of strong women that I have found battling the same issue, OR maybe it was watching the Hunger Games Trailer for the 10th time that really stuck with me (Dear Robin, why have we not bought tickets yet).

Whatever it is today, I am back to being the strong, "Challenge Queen" that I know that I am.  A very good friend reminded me this week of who I am.  She explained that when life throws my challenges I step up to them.  Something clicks for me and I just do it, full on.  What others may struggle with.  I grin my teeth and bear it.

A year or two ago, I was faced with such a situation.  And it kind of went like what happened yesterday.  When I was told that I needed to face my challenge and that it was for my own good, that yes I would have to make scarifies but ultimately I would be happier and healthier, I cried.  Even though I wanted to be happy and healthy, the idea of this challenge was preposterous to me.  I could not do it.  I would not do it.  So I cried, I felt sorry for myself,  I fought and then I talked to friends, found comfort in family, and faced my fears.  Again and again I looked challenges and stumbling blocks in the eye and told them to go to HELL!  While at my support group this week, I was questioned on how did I do this.  Being asked this question was so humbling.  It made me feel so good.  I realized how much I had been through and how much I have accomplished.

Don't mess with me, seriously. I take these Amazing Mazes down like no other

Today, I remember those challenges. I remember how when I was told to stop exercising that I did.  Something in me then clicked.  I knew what I wanted and needed to do and the stars aligned to allow me to do so.  I was very very lucky, but I was also very strong and took to my challenge like the "Challenge Queen" my friends have since dubbed me.

I have had my "woe is me time" and while I am not saying this will never come again (stay tuned Monday for my next appointment), but now I am ready to face life, the world, and whatever it has to throw out me.  I have a bracelet I use for challenges like this is has on it the words

Wisdom, Faith, Tranquility

For my earlier challenges, Aaron and I thought this was most appropriate.  If you take just the initials, can you read between the lines.  In the past, while trying to be peaceful, I was also taking my anger, using it to my advantage and making it determination.  Something along the lines of this situation.  While I am trying to relax, be hopeful, and accept, I am also determined.  Determined.   Determined - WTF Infertility. W.T.F!  I am not taking this lying down so be ready for a battle.  And I am going to win in one way or another.  Because we will have a child.  It may not be tomorrow or a year from now or two years from now.  It may be biologically ours or not but either way we will have a child that we will love and care for.

So it is Friday and I am calling GAME ON!  So come on Mr. Amenorrhea (with your very hard to spell, still have to Google name) try me.  You think that adding a few pounds and taking away my running is going to break me, well then you have underestimated me.  

It is Friday. It is a day to smile.  Leave me a message, tell me how you are determined, how you preserve or why you are smiling today.

Running and Hypothalamic Amenorrhea - Admitting Defeat

Editor's Note: For all those reading this now as of 2016 - I want to tell you there is a lot of hope and true opportunity for recovery.  I tell you this from a place of  having had two beautiful babies, periods, and marathons!  Please check out noperiodnowwhat.com to see the book my colleagues and I wrote about the topic and how to to recover. We are here for you. You can do this!!

Honestly, I was not going to post to you all today.  In my fits of sadness, anger, and disappointed I had pretty much resolved to take a 3 year old mentality to this whole situation and put on a very extravagant pity party which included not contacting anyone until someone, anyone actually knocked on my door and asked me if I was okay. Yes, I pretty much waited for a phone call or text message or email last night because I expected people to magically know I was suffering and to come to my aid.  Real big Steph, I know.  Honestly, it is probably better that no one came knocking because I was not too much fun to be around.  Poor Aaron he is getting the brunt of my "pleasant" behavior.

I would like to tell you that this morning I have a renewed sense of hope and determination, but that is not entirely true.  I do feel better than yesterday and almost ready to face the world again.  However my outlook is still pretty poor and I feel very sad, angry, frustrated, and stubborn all at the same time.  Beautiful right?  And while I could pretend otherwise, I have decided to be as "real" and true to myself on this blog as possible so unfortunately, you are all getting the good, the bad, and the ugly, and today it is ugly.


Can you guess what brought all these wonderful feelings and such a "happy" Stephanie out to play?  It is not so hard to figure out that yesterday's doctor's visit was not as successful as I had hoped it to be.  Going in, we were hoping that my follicles had gotten to a point where they would be ready to ovulate.  We had shot in hand ready for the battle.  No go.  No shot to stimulate ovulation for me, not even close.  My largest follicle was 13, we need it to be at least 20 and my uterine lining was 3, you need a minimum of 6 or 7 to hold a baby.

My doctor asked me about my changes in food and exercise and was none to please to hear that I ran 13 miles this weekend.  She explained to me that I really need to run no more than 10 miles in a week 5 miles at a time, not get too hot (how you not get hot by running is beyond me), and have to keep getting the cholesterol needed for hormones to build up.  Fun?  How do you get healthy - gain weight, eat more, exercise less.  Joy.  The more and more I read these scholarly articles and websites, they explain that hypothalamic amenorrhea occurs due to a combination of stress, weight loss, and/or exercise that ultimately blocks gonadotropin-releasing hormone (GnRH) important for that whole ovulation thing.  Women are told to eat more, exercise less, and may or may not need to go with some rounds of hormones like Clomid.

So where does this all leave me?  My doctor explained that there is a chance that my follicles will still grow.  They have the ability to grow 2 mm per day so we are going back on Monday to see if by some amazing chance they did.  I am not hopeful.  She said they could also shrink, stay stagnant, or grow a little but not enough.  My guess is they will shrink, we will try Clomid for another month or so with no success and then move on.  I told you I was not in the most happy of moods.  I am probably losing followers by the dozen but at least blogging is still therapeutic, right?

Until then, my doctor wants to make sure I am cutting down on the exercise and continuing to eat lots of fats and proteins.  I emailed her this morning but honestly right now I am almost resolved to do no exercise until my appointment and see if that helps.  It is only a five day experiment of sorts so I am kind of like why not.  Today I feel so defeated and worn down that I am not even in the mood.  Since I officially cannot workout to the point of getting "hot" and I cannot run more than 5 miles, I have absolutely zero training aspirations so what is the point or harm in taking the days minus my sanity.  I used to run to stay in shape but clearly it is looking more and more like I need to pack on the pounds so that is out the window.  And while yes I run for fun, much of this fun is through training, goals, and chatting with friends and I am not seeing much joy in 3 miles alone on the treadmill right now at all.   In all, like I said, I feel alone and without purpose.

I know I can turn this whole post into positives.  I can say that my follicles were only 8 last time and now they are 13.  That I have a major purpose and goal in not exercising or exercising less.  That this is not forever and just for right now.    I get it, I can say all of those things and eventually I will.  I know.  But right now, I am sad and I am angry and I am defeated and sometimes I kind of just need to ride those waves of emotion for a little while longer until I come out on the other end.

I hope I have not lost too many of you in my "woe is me" post.  Not so fun, I know.  Hopefully, tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Note if you have come here for the first time please continue to keep reading or check out some more info on my new blog 26.2runforfun.com  as always feel free to email me I am here to help.

Clomid Crazies

Ok, so maybe I am not going crazy, just yet, but this title just stuck in my head and I was really excited to use it so there we go Clomid Crazies.   A few days ago I was actually debating posting on this because I was starting to get the idea that maybe this is TMI....and maybe it is.  However, during the week I got such wonderful emails, and PACKAGES from amazing bloggers and readers that how could I not post.  Plus, even more importantly not only am I gaining support, but I feel as if I am also supporting others too.  Thus, if all if this is TMI, I am sorry. I promise to come back next week with some fun sweepstakes that I have been meaning to - think iFitness Bondi Bands galore!

look what I came home to last night from Jenny.  I swear bloggers are the most amazing people ever, this was a "Cheer Up" package, it did the trick ;)

So back to Clomid Crazies.  On Monday, we got the blood tests back and we got good news.  Mainly without getting all technical and stuff, the blood tests showed that I may indeed respond to Clomid.  No guarantees of course, but potential.  On Tuesday, (I like to act fast), we were in the office having an ultrasound to make sure that for some amazing reason that I was not pregnant already, I was not.  So we set out making a plan to start Clomid instead.

This is how I understand it (just in case anyone out there is wondering).  The goal of Clomid is to make follicles in my ovaries grow.  In order to ovulate your follicles need to be at least 22 mm.  I have a lot of follicles, but the largest one is only 8 mm.  My doctor tells me that the little ladies are really trying and that the weight gain might have helped it some, but we need more help.  Thus, I will take Clomid for 5 days.  We will start with half a tablet.  This may be too much but they don't want to risk too many follicles growing at once, so they start low (I worry this will just be a repeat of when I was on Provera where we started low, nothing happened, upped the dosage, and still nothing happened - But I am trying to stay hopeful).  This coming Wednesday, I go back to the doctor to see if a follicle has grown enough.  If it has, they will give me a shot of HCG that is supposed to induce ovulation and then Aaron and I have about 48 hours of potential, what my doctor calls, "baby making time."

So simple and easy, right? HAH.  There are a lot of things that have to fall into line such as my follicle growing, having only one follicle grow (too many and we can't do it), having the shot work, and then actually conceiving.  So yea it is not just that easy but I am trying not to think like that and remain positive and hopeful.  I am really excited to be doing something besides just sitting on my butt, literally (I have run 2 miles this) and gaining weight.  And if this does not work, we still have other options which are promising as well.

Overall,  my thoughts on taking Clomid.  I consider this, just based on my own opinion, a hit or miss drug. It seems like for some people it works and for others it does not, unfortunately it seems like for too many it does not work.  I have heard potential side effects include bloating, moodiness, and hot flashes, basically a severe form of PMS.  I apparently love to hit the bloatiness category and just like with the Provera I feel like a beached whale.  I am also a bit concerned, to be completely honest, that this bloating weight will stay with me like the Provera weight did but I am not letting that bother me too much.

This was a very technical, matter of fact blog post, I guess.  So maybe just a few other thoughts.  Over the past week, I have really tried to relax about this whole experience.  Between having an extremely restful and relaxing weekend last weekend and trying the new Clomid and feeling like I am actually doing something, I feel a lot more "chilled out."  I know this is important so I am going to try and continue that pattern this weekend.  I am also just working on visualizing what I want and take a lot of time to just be peaceful and mindful, especially while at acupuncture (more on this later).

This is either my relaxed/bloated face or my "I just found out a fro yo place is coming in last than a week to a strip mall across the stress from my office" - you decide

I don't know if any of this will work.  If running 15 v. 15.5 miles a week will help or if eating an extra handful of nuts each day will be the trigger that helps us have a baby.  I just don't know.  But I cannot worry about of things that I cannot control any longer.  I will do what I can do for right now including Clomid, extra fats and proteins, moderate exercise, and acupuncture and let G-d take it from there.  As Debbi reminded us "Que Sera Sera,"  "Whatever Will Be Will Be..."

Happy Friday! Have a wonderful relaxing weekend

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday Amenorrhea Style

Warning:  If you are a bit faint at heart or squeamish, there is a bit more needle/medical talk in this post...

Stephanie - One; Amenorrhea - Zero!

Yay for long day being over 

So today I went for a fun day long fun day of blood tests.  Generally this should have been a fairly simple procedure.  The doctor told me beforehand that I would be incredibly bored and that it would be a long, but easy day.  They would draw blood every 10 minutes but it would not really be noticeable as done through a IV line or whatever you call it.  I brought all necessary supplies to keep me busy - laptop, books, coloring books  (yes coloring books, no judgment), and of course an Aaron.  

Never go anywhere without an Aaron.

Unfortunately, things did not go so well.   Apparently, I don't like to give up blood a.k.a my blood "flow" was slow and would stop.  This ultimately meant that they had to keep trying different veins in my arms we started with the right, then went to the left, back to the right, twice on the left, again on the right, and then finally on the left (I am serious this was a 2 hour ordeal).  They had to "massage" (a.k.a push down hard on my arm) and manipulate the needles to get any blood.  It was not pretty and to add to the fun they kept putting band aides over the spots and ripping them off.  It was crazy painful (but I am fine now Grandma, I promise, don't worry!).

Not so happy (look my feet almost touch the floor...right)

All the research fellows wanted me to give up.  They kept telling me that we did not have to do this study and that I could go home.  But I knew that this study also meant a lot for our treatment plan.  The results from this study would help us know what was the best route to take in my treatment.  These blood samples would measures the pulses of my hormones and tell us where to go next instead of having to go with the "Guess and Check Method," which might take months.   Thus I was determined to get this done no matter what.  This led us to lots of needle pricking and "fun needle in the hand day" (I will spare you the picture). In other words, they ended up drawing blood from a vein in my hand and putting in a saline IV to keep me very hydrated.  They also made me keep my arm propped and straight, my legs up, and put hot packs on my hands and arms, all in hopes of keeping the blood flowing - fun.

Thought instead I would show you how to get to the bathroom with an IV in your hand

So that's that.  Stephanie - One; Amenorrhea - Zero.  We got the tests done and hopefully, even though we missed a lot of blood samples, it should be enough to get a good sample and help us make a plan.  We should know more next week.  

By the way, big thanks to all the wonderful blogger support today especially Jenny with her rocking Twitter jokes keeping me smiling.  Also my friend Janette who came to visit and texted me throughout to make me smile.  Thanks ladies!

But as hard as today was.  It reminded me of something that I almost forgot in the past two weeks - 

 I AM STRONG!  I WILL GET THROUGH THIS!

 I WILL PRESERVE! 

How do you stay strong and preserve when things get tough?