Monday, January 30, 2012

Amenorrhea Part II - Hard Choices

Thank you everyone for your wonderful supportive comments. I promise to respond soon.  It really meant so much to me. Ok back to it..

The decisions that I made yesterday were not easy ones.  They are unsettling, in some ways, difficult in others, and exciting in  yet other ways.   The choice to give up my May Marathon was not easy.  The commitment to eat more with the potential to gain weight has been less than fun and the fact that I have to give up some of my beloved running just plain well sucks.  But here we are Day 2 and I am still alive.

So how did this decision come to be?  Well, before I even went to the doctor, I had an inkling he was going to tell me gain weight and reduce exercise, especially running because everyone always seems to go after the running.  Why is that?!? However, regardless of my "inkling" I was not at all prepared for the cut the exercise in HALF and gain 10 lbs "prescription."  It seemed so counter intuitive to me - that all the things that are suppose to be "good for you" just became bad for me. This is how the conversation went:

Doctor:  How much do you run?
Me:  Well, not as much as others, I run 3 times a week, cross train 3 times a week.
Doctor: Can't you just do less like 30 minutes instead of an hour
Me: Institute noise that sounds of like ehhhh and look down
Doctor:  How much do you run on weekends?
Me:  2 hours-ish
Doctor: Can't you do an hour?
Me: If I go faster.....Can't we just start with the increase in food and then go to the running?
Doctor: Yes but if it does not work, we will take out the running and we will see that I was right
Me: Yes, but if eliminating the running and increasing the food does not work, we will see I am right.

Clearly, the doctor and I did not see eye to eye.  Additionally, I knew this relationship was not going to work for me necessarily.  I generally need someone who "gets" me and who can hold my hand a little bit more, especially when things are tough.  I am also still not convinced that this is an all or nothing thing.  So I did a little research and talked to more people.

Unfortunately, regardless of anyway you slice it, everyone seems to agree that I need to at least cut some exercise and eat a bit more.  To make the decision to this was not easy.  I wrestled with it over the past four days, I made Pros and Cons lists, I talked to more people, and I considered my priorities.  I went from being just plain PISSED off that this was happening to me to feeling an enormous amount of pressure.  I felt that even though my husband and I were in this together it was ultimately my decision.  Would I gain weight and reduce training in hopes of getting us closer to having a baby or would I put it off to be a smaller size and run another marathon? I also felt extremely worried and self conscious.  I stressed that I would gain a ton of weight and none of my clothes would fit and everyone would talk about all my weight gain.  I worried that I would give up what I love to have a baby and resent this fact.  Further I stressed about that I would give it all up and this potential solution would not actually work.  I was scared that I would lose blogging if I was not training for a marathon and lose my training partner as well.

Not everyone understood.  Why not just give up the running? No big deal right?  Just gain a few pounds, no one will know, right?  Some got it, but others just didn't....

Why people can't understand that this is me having fun is totally beyond me...

So I went through the motions - the sadness, the fear, the anger, and then ultimately the Acceptance.  I realized that while I love running so much and that while I wanted to run a May Marathon, I could live without it.   That there would be other marathons and that I could find other ways to support my love of running.  That I could adapt and find ways to keep enjoying running as well as blogging for that matter.  My running partner and I talked and she was totally awesome suggesting that we could run whatever I could on Sundays and she would pace me to a "wicked" fast half marathon come May and then we could go cheer on our speedy friend.  That even though we could not run 15 miles together, we could do 6 or 8 miles or whatever I am allowed and then go for breakfast and she would be able to refuel from a hard workout and I could just, well, eat my 200 extra calories and enjoy!

Fruit Loops here I come

I talked to my family and made the decision to be open about this topic on my blog.  To allow the experience to help me put a more personal spin on my blog.  It does not mean that the running talk is going away (don't worry)  but that I can share more with you all and I am really excited about that.

As per the weight, we will see.  Somehow letting others know that I have to be eating more makes it easier.   I am not actually proud of that fact because I know the theory is that I am glad people know because they won't think "I am out of control."  This is something I am admitting but NOT something I think is the healthy frame of mind.  I am working towards being ok with the weight and food intake because that is what I need!  That is what my future baby needs and I want to do everything in my power to prepare my body to be ready for a baby.

So there you have it.  These were hard choices.  They make me sad and, at the same time, happy, but hopefully they will  make me stronger (and strong enough to have a period).

In the meantime, I keep trying to convince Aaron into a puppy, you know, for practice.  He does not seem to be so agreeable.  I guess one of us has to be the responsible one here..

Too cute!!! This is Aaron's goldie from childhood, Jazz.  She got to live out her years on a farm (literally) we miss her a lot now that she is no longer with us :(

Have you ever had to make tough choices?  How do you do it?

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