Tuesday, March 6, 2012

On "Feeling" Fat

So I guess this blog has taken quite a spin off lately from just running for fun, and I would love to talk to you all about how much fun running is and it really is - see yesterday's post - but unfortunately today you are just going to get me and how I am doing with this whole "I have amenorrhea so am on medications that make you crazy" thing.  My husband is probably screaming at the computer screen right now saying do not subject them to your craziness so you all have every right to stop reading here and to go on to a more perky upbeat blog for the day.  But I guess if you want the real deal, here it goes.

Last Wednesday, so almost a week ago, my doctor gave me a shot of HCG, a medicine meant to induce ovulation.  That is all well and good.  A little shot and that is it, right? Hmm...if only it was that easy.  Since then, I have had the joy of riding the emotional roller coaster of life including everything from crying over dropping my perfume bottle (this morning) to sulking in my bed because I could not figure out what to eat for dinner but was starving (yesterday night).  I have been extremely hungry and craving everything and anything (cue a ton of grilled cheese and two big bowls of ice-cream last night).


 I am also extremely exhausted, moody, and crampy  (fun information right?).  O.K. so I am the first one to admit that some of this may just be in my mind and that it has nothing to do with the medication but just everything else that has been going on.  There is another part of me, however, that believes it is partly the medication and finds it extremely cruel that such a medicine imitates pregnancy symptoms while you are in a two week waiting period (the time between ovulation and having an HCG shot and the day you can test to see if you are pregnant or not - think of waiting to see if you passed the biggest test of your life and the teacher keeps delaying your grades now multiply that my 1000 and you have the 2 week waiting period).

Possibly my utmost favorite "feeling" (can you detect the sarcasm in my voice) is the "I feel fat" feeling coupled with a continued need to eat even when I am full.  This morning, for instance, I woke up feeling "fat" from all of the food from last night but extremely hungry at the same time.  I used to never wake up with the need to eat as soon as I woke, but these days I cannot wait!   It is not so fun to feel as if you are blowing up like a balloon but cannot stop yourself from stuffing your face.

Regardless of who you are or what medications you have taken, how many of you have uttered the words

I feel fat.

 The phrase is almost engrained into our society.  The phrase comes with a pack of emotional turmoil - anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, depression, lack of self-worth etc.  It is demeaning to ourselves and unnecessary.  Yet we utter these words so often.  The interesting thing though is "fat" is not a FEELING.  You cannot feel fat the same way you feel anger or happiness.  Using this phrase, I have found, only leads to trouble.  So this morning when I felt that ugly phrase sitting on my tongue, I challenged myself to reframe my thoughts.  To think about what I was really feeling - scared? tired? alone? angry? anxious?  Yes, all of these were possible.  And if I am honestly I also noticed that I felt uncomfortable in my body - a mix between fullness but massive hunger which is a situation I am not used to.  I tried to observe and describe my situation without emotion.  I  made myself think of things about my body that I loved, I took a moment to do some deep breathing, and then I marched out the door and let it go - well sorta, still working on this.

The point is this stuff is HARD.  I am on medication that is throwing me for a loop and dealing with changes that I don't want to have to deal with.  But it does not mean I have to be cruel to myself or forget to honor my emotions or mask it with "feelings of fat."  So today, I will try to sit with my emotions, notice how my body reacts, and look at my ultimate goal of having a baby.

In the meantime I will remember I am down but not out, Wubby to come on Saturday!

How do you honor your body and keep away from the "feeling fat" dilemma?

1 comment:

  1. You've got some good perspective during a tough time. I think your pup arriving will be wonderful for you too. Granted I'm a dog lover, but a new puppy is one of the best things ever. Enjoy :-)