Monday, March 12, 2012

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Hi all! I feel as if it has been an eternity since I have blogged.  I guess it was just a very long week followed by too quick of a weekend like always.  So for this Monday morning let's play a rendition of  "Stephanie's Weekend - The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly"  because why not.  I promise I will try to keep it to only a few tidbits per category.    Will you please play along?

The Good - 
This weekend, we had a visitor.  No not Wubby (check the bad for that portion)

Jenny is just as cute as Wubby and pretty darn sweet.  I miss you already Jenny, come back soon please!

She drove 5 hours to come cheer me up and I am so glad she did we had a blast making these

Aaron apparently has a hatred for scones but he may or may not have eaten three of these wonderful scones from Smitten Kitchen.  We used dried blueberries YUM!

Eating this

Jenny and I decided you can NEVER, NEVER eat too much pizza, NEVER!

and shopping for things like this

Jenny demanded we stop at Trader Joes so she could stock up.  I was never a huge fan, I know I know.  But I take it back wandering the aisles with Jenny I officially am a Traders' fanatic.  

Should all this be going in the "bad" category? Never!!! Do not worry we also got some exercise in.  Jenny brought me my very own copy of a Jillian Michael's DVD.  As you all know, I am trying to find different forms of exercise as running cannot be the top of my list.  I have been seeing the buzz on Jillian for weeks on Twitter and I sort of laughed at it.  I am sorry Jillian, forgive me you are no joke.  The dvd Jenny got me was a really good workout for strength training and it fit all my needs - it was not too long about 40 minutes,  it did not get my heart rate up too high, but I worked hard and felt I was actually doing something and BOY did I feel it the next day.

I cannot wait to try out the other DVDs but not today, today it is going to be 68 degrees

We also did some running.  Yesterday, we ran Aaron's 5-miler race with him.  I was not sure I could complete it as Thursday I could not run more than a mile.  But I felt good and Aaron rocked it.  Two months ago, I do not think Aaron could have dreamed that he would be running 5 miles straight let alone with the heat (it was hot yesterday) and the hills!

Janine's husband (whose name is Aaron too!) got this great picture of the three of us.   Thanks Aaron! And thanks Jenny for running with us one week pre-marathon!!

He absolutely deserved this medal.  I am demanding that he do a race recap soon!

How bitchin', yes bitchin', is this medal?  Three medals combined to one big one!

Ok, one more very very very good.  Being upset means Aaron feels like he wants to make me happy and thus he gave me a 2 hr, yes 2 hr massage complete with my own favorite music selection (Bruce Springsteen, who else).  I am a pretty lucky girl..huh?

The Bad-

You may have noticed above, no Wubby this weekend!  I am so so bummed about this.  I cannot wait for him to get here.  Unfortunately, he will not be making an appearance until March 31 when the next transport comes from Indiana.  I am trying to convince Aaron that we should just go to Indiana to pick Wubby up.  I cannot grasp why Aaron feels this is a bad idea.

The Ugly
Before I present this,  I just want to mention how good an exercise this is (writing down the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly I mean).  I may or may not have been wallowing for the past day.  All "woe is me" like. Looking at this, I realize there is a lot more good than bad going on.  Yes for me the bad or the ugly seem really bad and really ugly, but perspective Steph, perspective.  So the ugly,  and this is the fun girl talk Secondary Amenorrhea stuff as usual - feel free to skip over.

The 12 yr old girl who blushed at telling her parents this fact is now saying public that yesterday she got her period.  Now, I know this can be a good thing because I was not getting my period at all and the fact that I responded to the drugs and got my period is actually great news. The big bummer though is that clearly I am not pregnant and that I got my period with the help of drugs not on my own (but again still a victory really).  Additionally,  the other problem is my period came too early which means there are some other hormone issues to work out.   Your period is supposed to come about 14 days post ovulation (all women are different though) anything under 10 days is too short even 10-11 may be troublesome for some.  I am in that 10-11 day range and the thinking is that likely I do not have enough progesterone - this hopefully will be an easy fix though through some pills.

So more on the ugly - I was pretty sad yesterday.  Totally bummed that I was not pregnant that it seemed EVERYONE around me is, that I have no control over this, that I am sitting around on my butt not running, gaining weight and for what?!?!  I am scared that I am going to have go through another round of hormones and as shallow as this may be I am scared of gaining even MORE weight.  The body image stuff is tough right now and sucks and while I have tons of great supports and places to vent (so don't worry about me), this is also a place for me to vent so excuse me for some venting here.  I am nervous about Clomid making me get larger just as it did last time.  I am nervous about how I will look and what people will think.  I am even more nervous that Clomid will not work again and that I will be on this endless cycle and people will get pregnant and have kids around me and I will still be sitting on my butt downing Clomid.

O.K. I promise that was the ugly, that was yesterday.  I find it very important during this process to celebrate the victories and grieve the losses.  Yesterday, I grieved.  I cried, I got mad, and I was sad.  Today is a new day, a new week, and the sun is shining, literally.  I am challenging myself to get back into the fight.  To learn from our mistakes and to trudge forward.  One way I am trying to help myself to do that is to look forward to something every day.  Something to take my mind off things.  Today, I am excited because it is supposed to be beautiful out and after work Aaron has agreed to do some power walking with me (well I will power walk and he will stroll with his long legs hehe). I am also excited to talk to the doctor about next steps and get right back on track.  I am debating whether maybe I might also spend the weekend visiting in New Jersey (opinions people? votes?).  As for the weight gain, the body image etc., everyone can kiss my ass!  This may not be the year of "Stephanie being Tiny."  I may gain more weight.  I may not love how I look.   People may talk, but screw them.  People may not talk and it will be in my head.  So I will work on being more positive to my body just like I promised, staying out of my head, and putting a smile on.

It is a new day and we are moving forward.  As my friend Beth says "One Day, One Way."

How was your weekend? Tell me the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

*Disclaimer: I am in no way a medical professional. None of this should be construed as medical advice and are just my opinions and stories.

1 comment:

  1. So sorry about the puppy being late and sorry about that wretched "time of the month" showing up and being too early.

    I think a little road trip to Indiana this coming weekend sounds perfect to cheer you up. :) Remind me how far of a drive that would be for you. Either way, I hope you can work something out to get your little pup soon!